To change or not to change

These days I often wonder if I am good enough.
I finally thought I had gotten my life straight you know. I had decided what to do with my future, I had set my priorities right, I had decided to delegate everything else as secondary to my career, my dreams, my aims. I was leading a beautiful, routine life.

Until you came along.

Again!

Forgetting you was part of the plan too. And I had been doing pretty well. I still am. I just hadn’t considered the light that you would throw on my life- that sort of light which shows you your reality but leaves it upon you to interpret it, the light which makes everything around you look brighter than you, that makes you a tiny, dull object in the sea of brightness.

Am I good enough? Why is it that when I talk you don’t listen? When I try, you are not convinced? When I joke, you get serious and when I am serious you laugh? When I offer you reject? Why is it that my efforts are always overlooked? Why is it so difficult for you to appreciate what I do for you?

It is not that these things happen everyday. ( I am not such a big loser!!) but it hurts when it happens. More often than not, I just laugh it off and hide the incident away deep inside the attic of my brain. But sometimes, when the brain tries to clean this attic, the memory of those incidents suddenly strikes with a unique, combined force.

That’s what has happened today. And that’s what has made me ask myself “ Should I change myself? “

But from that same attic, came out numerous other incidents of the past- incidents of when I made a difference to people’s lives and when I was repaid by a cute smile and a “thanx yaar”, not by cold dismissals; incidents when people smiled just on seeing me, when they talked to me because they “ wanted “ to do so, when their depression turned to happiness because of something or the other that I had done- there weren’t too many such incidents, but there were enough to convince me that theres nothing seriously wrong with me.

Yes, I am not perfect. I have my own share of faults. Tell me, and I’ll change. I’ll improve.

Its not that I am not good enough. Its just that you don’t realize how good I am. May be , you don’t want to. May be , you can’t. After all, you are just a dream.