A walk to remember

It was the best dinner he had had in his lifetime- and the worst food (well this one’s probably because he had to eat vegetarian dishes!) . It was a dinner he had been looking forward to for long, since that day when a little angel had come out of the skies and struck into his heart the arrow of love- an arrow by the name of ( well, let her name be, shall we? ).He had never been able to ask her out before- he hadn’t managed this feat this time around either. It was a casual “let’s have some food” by the girl in question that had resulted in this going out. It went pretty well too- no candles, no violins in the background, just the flame of love burning brightly in one heart and the joy of having found a new good friend looking for residence space in another, and silence supervising the two with tender, gentle authority.

However, it was not the dinner that was the best part of the night- it was the walk after that- that long walk on that cold, winter night when God had ordered the moon to shine brighter than ever before, as if trying to match the brightness in the mood of this young man; and the winds to blow stronger thus clearing the streets to make sure that no one interferes in the making of a memory that he shall take to his grave- smiling.

He just wanted to keep looking at her till they reached her house. He wanted to drink in the beauty of the girl of his dreams till time eternity, till someone throws buckets of water on him and shouts “ wake up” – because for this young man, this night – as magical as it was in itself- was no short of a dream.

He had heard however- in movies , books and from friends- of the importance of a conversation in the beginning of a relationship. Why in that movie he had seen the other day, that gem of a girl had fallen for that idiot of a guy just after the first conversation- the guy had said something really wonderful- surely he had been taught to say so,-
Oh! If I could only remember what he had said, maybe I could use the dialogue too. No, no.I have always been good at talking to girls. Why the hell cant I think of anything to say right now? Say something. Anything.
Girl : Would you like to have some gum?
I would like to have anything you give me dear. I love you and if it means having to share that stupid bubble gum with you, no problems.
Boy: Yes, gum would be perfection.
What the hell was that? Could have said gum would be nice, could have said yeah I’ll have some. No, for me gum is PERFECTION. Stupid Chandler and stupid friends. No more TV series from today.
Boy : So tell me about your crushes?
Do you really wanna know? U foolish..oh wait shes saying something..
Girl: Well, not crushes really. Just some people I liked a little more than others.
Duh, still crush.
Girl: You remember X. He was such a nice guy. Was one guy I truly respected.
Yeah, respect him. That’s it. No more okay?
G: And then there was Y. All the girls had a crush on him.
Playboy(Grrr…). May crows team up and shit on his head.
G: Oh! I forgot about Z. Loved his hairstyle.
May a monkey come and scratch all his hair away. May he get dandruff and lice all over.
The boy touched his own head. He had started to grow bald.
Yup, its final. Doctors appointment next week.
G: What about you?
B: Me!! Well I did have a crush on A,B and C. but ...
What ? When did you have a crush on anybody. Mr. movie guy, that jealousy thing of yours better work else I just lied uselessly to a girl I never want to lie to.
B: Tell me something. What do you look for in a guy anyway?
Textbook question. Atleast theres nothing to mess up here.
G: (a) I should love him. (b) He should love me .
(a)Donno. (b)+10.
G: Oh. And © Should not be studious people like you IITans. And she smiles.
-100.Why did I ever give IITJEE. We aren’t studious really. What the hell, nobody believes us anyways. Whats that smile for? It aint a normal smile is it? It’s a mischievous one. Or is it really? God!! Show me some light here.
G: Look at those stars. Arent they just too beautiful? I sometimes think stars are God’s daffodil chain, don’t you too?
Yes,I love stars. I love daffodils. But they are two different things.
And then he looked at her. The pure , milky white face, those blue, dreamy eyes, the hair just let loose to flow so freely in the wind- for that one precise moment, he could accept stars to be God’s cows too, forget daffodils or chains.
B: “For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.”
G: Oh you like poems. And nature too. Great!
Nailed it!! Thank you, Wordsworth sir!
G: You know my friend…
There is no need to bother the readers with treatise on the girl’s friends. But what you should all know is one thing- time had stood still for our hero ( I guess that’s the first thing that happens in any little love story) and the entire night remained etched in his memory forever.

Finally, they reached her house. It was time to say- not goodbye but those three magical words he had told himself in front of his broken mirror so many times that day.
B: You know . I’ve been meaning to tell you something.
Cliches again. How many times did we practice your opening line…anyways go on, continue you idiot..
G: You know , you are one of the sweetest friends I have. Its so great to talk to you. Be my friend and remain so, will you?
B: I love…
G: You know that’s the best part about you and M and N and D…I can talk to you guys freely, sure that there won’t develop any other kinds of feelings between us. Anyways, I shall be leaving tomorrow. There’ s this guy .lets see what happens..will definitely keep you in the loop..By the way you were saying something?
< Sound of glass shattering>Okay say something. Yes. No. Sure. I love you. Anything
B: I was saying I loved your dress. And sure, friends forever.
So girly man! But definitely the truth. She looks pretty in any dress.
And she walked away- leaving her scent lingering behind. The guy waited, till the light in her room went off, till he could smell her perfume no more.

Two years hence and he is now one of her close friends. And she’s seeing someone. She smiles, but he is not the reason for it, yet that is one smile he yearns to see everyday. She does not depend on him. They do hang around sometimes. And he is happy with that. Its one-way love, its love nonetheless. She knows when she asks for help if in trouble, many people will be there to help her; when she needs a friend, there will be many to comfort her; what she doesn’t know is that one of those friends loves her like anything, one of those friends makes sure that she doesn’t have to call if in trouble but makes himself available before any such need arises; one of those friends just wants to see her happy!

With anyone.

And he is right now having the second best dinner of his lifetime. May the walk go better this time!

To change or not to change

These days I often wonder if I am good enough.
I finally thought I had gotten my life straight you know. I had decided what to do with my future, I had set my priorities right, I had decided to delegate everything else as secondary to my career, my dreams, my aims. I was leading a beautiful, routine life.

Until you came along.

Again!

Forgetting you was part of the plan too. And I had been doing pretty well. I still am. I just hadn’t considered the light that you would throw on my life- that sort of light which shows you your reality but leaves it upon you to interpret it, the light which makes everything around you look brighter than you, that makes you a tiny, dull object in the sea of brightness.

Am I good enough? Why is it that when I talk you don’t listen? When I try, you are not convinced? When I joke, you get serious and when I am serious you laugh? When I offer you reject? Why is it that my efforts are always overlooked? Why is it so difficult for you to appreciate what I do for you?

It is not that these things happen everyday. ( I am not such a big loser!!) but it hurts when it happens. More often than not, I just laugh it off and hide the incident away deep inside the attic of my brain. But sometimes, when the brain tries to clean this attic, the memory of those incidents suddenly strikes with a unique, combined force.

That’s what has happened today. And that’s what has made me ask myself “ Should I change myself? “

But from that same attic, came out numerous other incidents of the past- incidents of when I made a difference to people’s lives and when I was repaid by a cute smile and a “thanx yaar”, not by cold dismissals; incidents when people smiled just on seeing me, when they talked to me because they “ wanted “ to do so, when their depression turned to happiness because of something or the other that I had done- there weren’t too many such incidents, but there were enough to convince me that theres nothing seriously wrong with me.

Yes, I am not perfect. I have my own share of faults. Tell me, and I’ll change. I’ll improve.

Its not that I am not good enough. Its just that you don’t realize how good I am. May be , you don’t want to. May be , you can’t. After all, you are just a dream.