A letter to God

Have you ever experienced that eerie touch on your shoulders of what they call ‘loneliness’, of desertion, of being left alone when you least expected to be? When you suddenly realized that the feeling of safety you had harbored for so long had been a mirage? Have you ever experienced what it feels when you close your eyes for a few seconds – safe and confident in your well-known surroundings- only to open your eyes and find yourself standing all alone in a boat in the middle of the vast empty blue of the ocean, just a row in hand? Of course you haven’t. Else you wouldn’t be who you are, isn’t it?

I wonder why I am actually writing you this letter. I don’t even know where to post it to. I shall maybe just let it fly- fly with the wind- to wherever destiny takes it. Maybe it will reach you. Maybe it won’t. May be I shall never know. May be I don’t really care. May be I just wanted someone to talk to right now, and you are the only one who’s free- in this fast-paced , ever busy world, where no one seems to have any time for others, you are the only one who’s free.

All I want to know is this- where do I go from here? In which direction should I row my boat? How can I escape the storm I can sense is coming towards me? Can I face it alone? Can I – a tiny, miserable wretch of what they call a human being- face the loud, angry storms of the world?
I need someone, don’t I? Someone who will make the sun look brighter, someone who will face the storms with me, someone who will help me row my boat towards life and freedom.
May be I should just close my eyes, maybe I’ll not be alone when I open them again..
May be I shouldn’t row at all, maybe I should just let the drift of life carry me along. Maybe I should just leave it to you to lead me to my destiny. What should I do?

I just couldn't risk it

The damsel glanced at me with those angelic eyes – eyes so radiant, so full of life, energy, vigour and desire- yes, I can see the desire in her eyes, the desire not to be alone in this world, the desire to have somebody special beside her- at all times- somebody apart from those four girls she was chatting with at the coffee table. Yes, I want be the answer to those desires, the culmination of her dreams. I keep admiring her, staring at her- hoping that she would somehow read my mind- hoping that that simple, innocent girl behind that oh-so-pretty sky blue and green salwar kurta, would see in me the missing piece of puzzle in her life. I had admired her since the first time I had seen her at my office when she ran past me draped in a lab coat and face mask- the only visible part of her, her eyes- ohh!! Those eyes!!!..Those blue, enchanting, dreamy eyes………

…..oh wait!!! She’s coming towards me- what should I do now????
No, running is not an option, I just can’t run away from her, can I? I sit there idle, picking up each and every detail of her as she moves towards me- her pretty smile- a smile that can easily drown all the negativities and depressions of the world around her; her teeth so white they could put all brands of toothpaste to shame; her walk so elegant and beautiful you could easily imagine an angel gliding across the skies-

And she stops right in front of me- the smile still on her cherry-red lips, and suddenly I notice all the people in the cafeteria have gathered around me, they are closing in on me- I have no idea why, I am scared. I want to run. I turn towards her. The smile on her lips ain’t pretty any more- its turned into a devilish grin, the grin of a hunter when he sees his prey in front of him struggling for survival. Suddenly two red horns emanate from her head, she blows off steam from all over her face .She swings her right hand backwards, it sweeps down upon me with full force, there’s a thunder…….

I wake up. I switch on the lights. I look into the mirror. I look okay. THANK GOD.
Next morning as I enter the cafeteria, she comes and sits right beside me. My hands start shaking, so violently, that I drop the cup of tea down onto the floor. I walk away- still trembling…There is a very fine line between dreams and reality, I had once heard.. I just couldn’t be slapped you see..I just couldn’t risk it.

Rain, physics,failures

Its awesome mausam here in Hyderabad (sorry to have started off this post with one of the most clichéd status messages on a Kgpian’s gtalk list—but, really who cares anyways? Its not as if the whole of Kgp is waiting to read my blog!!)Plus, those were the exact words that came to my mind as I woke up after the sweet afternoon nap , woke up to the monotonous yet so melodious beating of the rain against the window panes.

I get off my bed and make my way towards the verandah. My sister looks at me “relief after all, bro”. My nephew and niece are in the verandah, playing with those tiny droplets that reflect off the railing onto their faces. They don’t notice the sun in the horizon- the mighty, powerful sun struggling to make its presence felt among the dark, noisy clouds. I stand still there for a few moments to enjoy the breeze until the sun gets totally engulfed and the clouds get even noisier.

I check out facebook (yeah, bad habit I know...)- everybody in the city has the same thing to be said- “relief “, “awsum mausum “, “rain FINALLY”, “thank you god “- the variations are numerous, the thoughts the same.With a smile on my lips , I move outside and my eyes fall onto the little slum a little away from my house- the slum where construction workers live, those workers who lay the foundation of the huge buildings where thousands of people shall flock to earn their daily bread. The winds have blown away some of the tin roofs from their houses, some parts of their slum are flooded, people are running like mad dogs here and there making a desperate attempt to remove the water using all the pots and pans they have. The people are in a state of panic. Theres no happiness here, no relief, theres nothing awsome about what they feel right now and they are certainly not thanking god. WHY? Why is it that when everyone else is being made happy- these people, for some reason, are being punished? I try desperately to get an answer out of my head and an old Bengali adage suddenly comes to mind “karor poush mash karor shorbonash “translated into English as “somebody’s gain somebody’s pain”

So...this it then...its nature’s law of balance that makes some people suffer while others enjoy themselves, pain and gain go together, summer must be followed by winter,leaves must fall of after months of greenery. But does this law always hold true? The recent BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is causing immense environmental damage, BP’s share prices are falling, US govt is under tremendous pressure to take actions—but smiles all the way for BPs competitors; there is even talk of an imminent takeover. India’s pathetic condition in the tri-series – best times ever for Zimbabwe, the biggest confidence booster they could have received. Nano leaves West Bengal, good times for Gujarat- everything you see and analyze, everywhere you find this holds true. And I think of all my failures- the interviews I didn’t clear, the competitions I desperately tried to win but lost- everytime somebody else had succeeded, somebody else had been happy. So, should I be happy for them? After all if the balance law holds true, the tides will have to turn one day, I will be successful too, just like before.Yeah, that’s it, that’s exactly it. Somehow these ten minutes of random thinking, this rain, the slum, the unexpected appearance in my mind of physics’ most basic laws- somehow they give me the necessary confidence I have felt lacking for quite some time now.

Too random and meaningless you say. Well, the blog is “Random thoughts” and the meaning...well most meanings are hidden, don’t you think?